The Heartwarming Tale Of One Girl's Quest To Become The Ultimate Motherfucker

I WANNA KNOW WHAT LOVE IS

I WANT YOU TO SHOOOOOW MEEEEEEEEEEEEE

So I was gone for thirty minutes. When I left, Jason was passed out on the couch due to his medication. I left the living room light on, the TV on, locked the door and was on my way.

Thirty minutes later I get a phone call from Jason. "Uh, yeah, someone just tried to kick your door in or something. I don't know. All I heard was a loud-ass noise and Amon freaking out."

So then I freak out, call maintenance, then the cops. I get home. My door is indeed totally fucked up. Someone tried to pry it open so hard it cracked my wall, split my door, and fractured everything wood in the nearby area. Cops come, take pictures, do nothing. Maintenance guy is fixing door...sort of. It's still really jank and I think someone could totally get in.

Who the fuck would break into an apartment with all the lights on?

So now the maintenance guy is fixing the shit, Jason's passed out again because of his medication, and I am FREAKING OUT. I'm SO GLAD I work a double shift tomorrow because I totally don't think I'm sleeping tonight.

It was either someone really random just looking for a place to break in, or it was my psychotic ex-boyfriend John. I'm totally convinced of these two possibilities.

I am terrified. How am I ever supposed to sleep?

I've pretty much given up on this ridiculous documentary.

Jason and I started watching this ridiculous documentary called "Bloodlines" about the possibility that Mary Magdalene was married to Jesus and blah blah blah all like the Da Vinci Code, which is supposed to be based on real shit.

Okay, it started out interestingly enough. Just some conspiracy theory stuff.

Then all of a sudden, people ARE DYING AND THEY'RE FINDING THE CUP MARY USED TO ANOINT JESUS'S FEET AND BLAH BLAH. Whatever. This shit is getting ridiculous. This isn't a documentary. It's a religious Blair Witch Project movie.

Poop sandwich on this documentary.

WHY do I eat tons of food when I'm not hungry at all? I just ate half a large Quiznos sandwich that I was supposed to save until later when I WAS hungry.

I know why I do it. It's because I like tasty foods, and it doesn't matter if I'm hungry or not.

Except now I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO EXPLODE.

uuuuugh.

...Amon's chasing a big black cricket. I anticipate the usual--he will catch it, play with it, and then when he's bored either eat it or leave it to die painfully. I apparently own a sixty-pound cat. o_O

I don't get it. Not that I'm going to complain or anything, but yeah. Every other week here is some completely NEW AND EXCITING weather factor. One week we're freezing cold and raining with thirty mile an hour winds, and another week it's like spring. Actually, more accurately, this varies from DAY TO DAY.

Case in point: yesterday. FREEZING.

Today: warm and sunny. I am able to walk around in flip flops and a t-shirt.

WTFFFFFFFF KANSAS. I'm convinced this place isn't a state, but is instead some kind of its own hole in the space-time continuum. ...it makes sense if you think about it, I swear.

In other news, Jason is attempting to lint-roll Amon. o_O The other day we were discussing holding Amon down and actually forcibly vacuum-cleaning him with the attachment to get rid of excess hair. This idea was shot down by the fact that Amon became so bewildered by the vacuum the other night while Jason was vacuuming that he apparently PROJECTILE PEED all over a few things.

This is my life, folks. Comments on the weather and my dog peeing on things when he gets scared. yeee haa!

My life and how it imploded in a Jerry-Springer-esque fashion and how I crawled out of it and am now doing okay.

All this and more at 6 pm, on KWCH. o_O

Ughhh. I'm just happy to report life is going well, after a while. Because for a while there, it wasn't. It was SHITTY. And I don't just mean, oh blah, what a crappy day, I mean "Oh, shitty, there's a pregnant teenager involved" kind of shitty.

How did I ever get myself into these messes? Le sigh.

So yes, I am alive. The giant post of explanation and what the hell I've been doing the last...uh, like months is still forthcoming, I promise.

Because I'll have a lot more time to write it now as I lost my job today.

Yes, that's right. I am totally and wholly unemployed as of the moment. 5 years of Starbucks stuff no more. Parts of me are happy, parts of me are sad, parts of me are TOTALLY FUCKING FREAKING OUT. The good news is that I will be done with school in August, so this kind of now puts the fire under my ass to make me find a "real" job. The job hunt commenced today approximately four hours after I lost my job (after I rolled around on Jason's couch for a while and was generally miserable and freaking out; while I was doing this, Jason filed my unemployment claim. We'll see what comes of that--Starbucks is notoriously difficult to get unemployment from).

So, yeah...aside from the fact that I'm suddenly jobless and wondering what the fuck I'm going to do to keep myself from becoming completely destitute, my life is going well.

First things first: applications and resume action.

Second: schoolwork.

Thirdly: selling whatever I have that I can reasonably part with.

Fourthly: hoping unemployment comes through.

Fifthly: applying seriously for food stamp aid.

Sixthly: in the event work or money is not forthcoming, putting most of my shiny goods in hock. This includes cameras, video game systems, wedding ring (unless I can sell it), etc.

&^%$^(%$#@#

HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY cleonism!!!1 1 1! 1

I just hit your hug button like twenty times and sent you some shit and YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH HAVE A GOOD BIRTHDAY. lfl;af;lakd

For everyone else: a detailed (read: lengthy and probably kind of boring and emo) explanation of why I have been so suddenly and mysteriously absent is forthcoming. It involves massive amounts of school, massive amounts of work, crippling depression, complete heartbreak, and DINOSAURS.

One of those things is a lie. Although, given my life, I think people would be hard pressed to discover which one was a lie. HA.

Anyways. I'm alive. And today's cleonism's birthday, so if you know her, FUCKING WISH THE HELL OUT OF A HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HER. Whee!

Dudes. I totally just ate way too much Indian food--and it was HOTTER THAN HELL. Oh my HOLY VISHNU, HEARTBURN. klasd;las;

In other news, my life continues to be a swirling vortex of crap. At least my sebaceous cyst in a totally not-appropriate area is on the mend. o_O

Everyone, please direct your good thoughts to vulumesky. You do not necessarily need to know why, just know that he could use all the mental happy brainwaves you can direct at him right now. Thanks.

ksjlkajsfjlka I THINK I AM GOING TO PLAY ULTIMATE MORTAL KOMBAT 3 AND DRINK CHAI AND IGNORE HOW MUCH MY LIFE IS A PIT OF DESPAIR. ugh god.

I hate this monthly bleeding thing, in the sense that most women hate it. Normally I just hate it because it's inconvenient.

Now I hate it because I'm bloated and moody and it HURTS. Like, all over--from my gut to what I'm pretty sure are my fallopian tubes or frickin' lymph nodes in my pelvis. NOT A FAN.

Seeing as I may potentially be sitting atop a mountain of free time soon (if I do lose my job and cannot find something else fast), I have a request of you out there.

I recently acquired an X-Box 360 from a friend for very, very cheap (now, in retrospect, if I'd known all of this was going to potentially happen, I would not have acquired it), but the problem is I have NO GAMES. I signed up for Live the other night (which, once again, had I known I was going to be potentially out of a job soon, I would not have done), and I downloaded Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3 for six bucks as a throwback to my arcade-in-the-bowling-alley days.

If any of you out there have a 360 game that you're not playing that you'd be willing to lend to me for a while, please let me know. You can mail it to me and I'll mail it back when I'm done; I will take good care of it and not allow Amon or other random creatures to dance upon it. I really wanted to play Beautiful Katamari, but had zero success in finding it used anywhere (or new) about a week ago, and now I'm in emergency money hoarding mode, so there will be no purchases of anything that is not food or bill related until I know what's going on.

So. If any of you good people out there would be willing to lend my retarded ass a game, I'd be forever grateful. If not, it's all about the Ultimate MK3 for me (and Pac Man, I think the person who originally owned this 360 has Pac Man on the hard-drive).

1. I AM ON TEH FACEBOOK. I AM TEH MERIS ANN CARMICHAEL. ADD ME NOW AND WE SHALL EXCHANGE FUCKERY.

2. I AM WALKING IN THE GRADUATION CEREMONY IN MAY AT WICHITA STATE UNIVERSITY. I will not have my actual DEGREE until August, BUT.

...I'm like kind of totally done with school.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

(hyperventilate)

Now, on to freaking out about the economy, where I shall be gainfully employed (I said gainfully, so that rules out the good old 'bux), and consulting WSU's career services next week to be like, "Hi! :D :D :D I am cute and perky and smart, and I am MARKETABLE. ur jobs, show them 2 me."

3. sureasdawn, I RECEIVED THE PACKAGE. Ha ha, I guess it probably took longer than you thought, huh? IN ANY CASE, thanks so much!!! Yay for more books to read and happy smelly things (which I am, nonetheless, deeply saddened that you cannot enjoy...I would kill myself). The picture frame broke--err, well, the glass in two of the panels did. ;_; This will not stop me from using it because I'm ghetto like that. XDDDD

The funny thing about the package is, I actually think it came like five days ago--but my dumbass mail carrier put the wrong large mailbox key in my box, so I opened the box corresponding to the key and was rewarded with...nothing. Ha ha. So I went down to my local post office and actually spoke to the head of the joint and was like, "wtf, where's my shit that I was not expecting and did not know was coming". He was like, "Yeah, uh, I dunno." AND THAT WAS IT. I was like, wow, keep up the good work, guy! But regardless, I got it yesterday (in the right box!) and was very very happy when I opened it. Yay for presents!

4. I AM HUNGRY. That's not really so much of big news to you guys, but IT IS TO ME. I need food NOW.

If you have a double crossainwich from Burger King as breakfast, you're probably okay.

If you have spicy chili for lunch and dinner, you're probably starting to enter the danger zone.

If you chug two root beer floats after all that, you're SCREWED.

You are also probably ME. uuuughhh

I deeply regret my food consumption today! I feel like my stomach is trying to revolt and escape the confines of my body.

Y'know, recently, I've been thinking about getting a domain as a hub for all of my various ramblings about the internet. For those of you who may have domains, how much do they cost? And how difficult are they to...y'know, do? At one point in time I had some passable grasp of HTML, but that time is LOOOONG gone. I still know some really, really basic stuff, but what am I getting myself into here if I just want to have a really simple setup with probably an embedded Blogger account or whatever?

kfdjlkasj my stomach.

So I whacked off all my hair on Valentine's Day. Ha ha. It took me a few days to figure out what to do with it, as it's more or less just bobbed, but I did figure out something that's relatively quick to do and makes it look more, y'know, like a haircut and not just poop.

AHAHHHAHAAH.

( BEHOLD. MY HAIR. )

HAPPY
BIRTHDAY
misora!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good luck and god speed with that humping with J. XDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Or at least one who hates television, anyway.

Stolen from mazzie_may:

I assume here it means, too, parts of episodes--lots of these shows I've only seen parts of one episode and people have told me OH IT'S THIS SHOW YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT?@!!! and that's it. In that respect, I have seen part of one episode. o_O That makes me look a little more pop-culture aware. eh heh

1. Bold the shows you watch/used to watch.
2. Italic the shows you've seen at least one episode of.
3. Post your answers.

50. Quantum Leap
49. Prison Break
48. Veronica Mars
47. Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
46. Sex and The City
45. Farscape
44. Cracker
43. Star Trek
42. Only Food and Horses
41. Band of Brothers
40. Life on Mars
39. Monty Python's Flying Circus
38. Curb Your Enthusiasm
37. Star Trek: The Next Generation
36. Father Ted
35. Alias
34. Frasier
33. CSI: Las Vegas
32. Babylon 5
31. Deadwood
30. Dexter
29. ER
28. Fawlty Towers
27. Six Feet Under
26. Red Dwarf
25. Futurama
24. Twin Peaks
23. The Office (both UK and American)
22. The Shield
21. Angel
20. Blackadder
19. Scrubs
18. Arrested Development
17. South Park
16. Doctor Who
15. Heroes
14. Firefly
13. Battlestar Galactica
12. Family Guy
11. Seinfeld
10. Spaced
09. The X-Files MY FAVOURITE SHOW EVAR I HAVE ALL OF THE DVD SETS SKDJFKLSDFJSL;KD
08. The Wire
07. Friends
06. 24
05. Lost
04. The West Wing
03. The Sopranos
02. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
01. The Simpsons

Every once in a while, I get a wild hair up my ass and decide I'm going to attempt to wear makeup. I own about 20 dollars worth of makeup, so it's not like I have a lot of selection. My eyeshadow colours are this: pink, purple, or green in varying shades. (Maybe this is why I can't apply the shit correctly--I don't have any NORMAL COLOURS.)

I've actually got pretty horrible skin, if you get up close and look at it. My face is really broken out right now, so that just doubles the effect. For whatever reason, when I put on makeup I instantly look ten years older. I think it's because my skin is uneven between dry and oily and the makeup tends to clump oddly, leading to my face looking PATCHY. Yeah, I suppose if I was in a dark bar you'd think I looked rad, but once you get me into the light I look like motherfucking Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight. Oh SNAP.

So tonight I got one of those wild hairs and put on some makeup. I'm not planning on doing anything tonight, really, I just decided to try. I guess I'll never get decent at it if I don't practice. I mean, I can't rely on other people to apply my makeup for me for the rest of my life (where is Andy when I need him?! oh, right, he moved back to california...)

But the main reason I don't wear makeup, really (aside from the fact that I hate it and hate not being able to touch my face and am too lazy to spend the time putting it on) is this: my right eye is mildly lazy. Very mildly. No one ever notices it unless I'm making goofy faces in photos, or I'm crossing my eyes. In normal day to day life, it's slightly less open than the left eye (and this is my right and my left, here). No one EVER notices it.

When I put on makeup, especially eye makeup, it's very noticible. The eyeliner shows that my eye is not as open as the other one, and it looks weird. It looks like I just didn't put the makeup on right, but trust me, I tried to compensate for my lazy right eye. It's on right. MY EYE'S JUST FUCKING RETARDED.

And so now everyone knows. MERIS ANN CARMICHAEL HAS A LAZY RIGHT EYE. I feel better. XDDD

( I'm not going to make it act up for you or anything, but here's a picture. See if you notice which eye seems more open than the other one. XDDDDDD )

ADDENDUM, LIKE TWO MINUTES LATER: 1. Something in my fridge smells like potato rot, even though there are no potatoes in there and I have thrown away anything that could be foul--it's all squeaky clean in there. WTFFFFF

2. I gave Amon a lot of Benadryl earlier because he has a huge, nasty hot spot right now. I need to get him to the vet tomorrow morning for a cortizone shot, but in the meantime he's RETARDED. I just gave him an ice cube and it took him like five minutes to eat it when normally it takes him like fifteen seconds. o_O

Damn Wichita and its lack of 24-hour eateries! I crave Chinese food or Indian food, like RIGHT NOW, and no such restaurant will be open at 9:53 pm on a Thursday.

Of course, Walmart or Dillons is always open, but it's just not the same if I have to go buy it and bring it home/cook it myself! I haven't eaten at an Indian place since I left Charleston--I'm in withdrawls. There's supposedly a pretty good new Indian place on Broadway, so I guess I'll have to check it out. I'm assuming it's on the portion of Broadway that runs through downtown since north Broadway is nothing but industrial wasteland and south Broadway is where all the crack, by-the-hour motels, and hookers are.

...you think I KID, friends.

1. DROP WHAT YOU ARE DOING and go to your local supermarket. Purchase a six pack of Hansen's Natural Cane Soda in the Cherry Vanilla Creme flavour. (Your local supermarket may not carry this; you may have to go to a natural food store, depending on where you live.) IT'S DELICIOUS. It's kind of expensive, but it's a treat. Seriously, shit's like dessert in a can. And while it has more calories than other sodas, it has ZERO PERCENT of everything else and is all natural and stuff. Yay.

2. I'm actually getting a pretty sweet tax refund this year (well, sweet in terms of what I claim and my exemptions and stuff). Last year I got totally screwed because I had to file as married filing separately, but this year I'm magically permitted to file single since my divorce was finalized in 2008! I'm getting close to five hundred back from the feds and FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE FILING IN KANSAS, EVER, I don't owe the state money! I'm actually getting two-hundred something back from them! YAY! I foresee the purchase of a digital SLR in my future--I may go over to Circuit City and try to low-ball them on some shit since they're closing and they'll probably cut me a deal. XDDDD

3. ( I could be doing schoolwork, but instead I bring you CHEAP AND EASY RECIPE TIME. )

Aaaaaand I'm spent. I think it's time to write.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Carmichael has left the building.

The entire time he was here was insane; I barely had a moment to myself or to relax--I worked every day I wasn't in school, and when I was at the house it was go, go, go. We never had a moment to just sit here and do nothing. He left this afternoon. He came up to work to say bye to me.

While part of me is relieved to have my apartment back to normal and (a little) less cluttered (there's still some furniture from Texas stacked about the place), part of me is really sad. I get along with my dad when he's not being an asshole, and he was pretty nice the whole time he was here. He has a tendency to run a person ragged with his ability to change his mind at the drop of a hat and his never-ending list of things to do, but it was kind of nice to have him here.

Although, I think I gained 10 pounds while he was here. Dad eats a lot and expects you to, too. Here was a typical day of eating for Jim about...uh, two days ago, I think:

Breakfast:
Two bananas
Bowl of cereal
Package of pop tarts

Lunch:
Chips
Banana
Denny's Lumberjack slam

Dinner:
Two chicken enchiladas at Aunt Debbie and Uncle Dana's
chips

After-dinner meal:
One Filet-o-Fish
Two Big & Tastys
Two ice cream sandwiches
Famous Amos cookies

Beverages (throughout day)
about 15 cans of Coca-Cola; O'Douls (or however you spell the non-alcoholic beer)

YEAH. Somehow the man is still as thin as a rail. I guess that's where I get it from.

Dad and John bonded really well. Dad wanted to hang out with John like EVERY DAY, and we all sat around and bullshitted and went and played pool a lot. We watched a lot of UFC with Colin and other people (John too) at Colin's house, and Dad and I did a lot of aimless driving around. We sold random things (guns, jewelery, etc.) while he was here to make him some money, and we watched Planet Earth series and MST3K. We talked a lot. We moved a lot of furniture and gave a lot away. Dad and Amon, surprisingly, bonded like crazy. I think Amon's really depressed right now that Dad's gone. Dad had been taking him on insanely long walks every day, no matter what the weather was like.

So...yeah. That's where I've been. Dad being here kind of hijacked my life. For the first three or four days it was really hectic and stressful and I wanted to run away screaming and crying, but after that it calmed down (as calm as things around my dad ever get) and we were able to just kind of hang out. He didn't even scream or holler at me once.

So, I've got kind of mixed feelings about him leaving. I don't think he wanted to go. I think he wished I had a two-bedroom place, or that John and I lived in a house. I really do think he wanted to stay--he kind of said so himself. He really isn't excited to get back to Arizona, because my mother and the shambles of his life are there. He's excited to see my sister and Colonel (the macaw). That's it.

Yeah.